Have you ever thought about what they are offering YOU?
This week, I have been considering what certain people offer to my life. Asking myself the question - what do they bring me? Once you dig deeper than them being open for a drink when you are free or going for walks when you are in need of company - the result can be confronting.
I felt a lack of clarity on who offered me what and it’s confronting for a couple of reasons. The first was raised from whether I should be looking for people at 35 that offer more substance? Should friendships or relationships extend beyond convenience?
Followed quickly by why has this question has never been asked before?
It’s because instead of asking yourself what is this person offering you, you have been obsessed with what you are offering them.
Are the plans you suggested convenient for them? Suiting their needs? Working with their time schedules? All whilst never asking yourself whether any of their suggestions or what they bring suits you. When it comes to dating and whether a person is into us I was extremely guilty of this. I think we all are.
I was SO obsessed with focusing on what guys I was interested in thought of me and rarely asked myself whether they offered what I was after.
The catch to this, however, is that you must know what you want in order to have a good base to refer back to. If you don’t have a clear list or a clear idea of what is right for you, what values suit you or what is healthy and feels nourishing for you then it is a really hard question to answer.
Don’t worry. I got choo boo!
This is why I put The Single Pringle Workshop together! It’s available to download and purchase below if you haven’t already. I created it for this exact reason.
I was so obsessed with wondering where guy’s head were at that I had never practised the action of checking in with myself. A girlfriend raised this when I was dating Simon. She asked me whether I had considered anything serious with him.
“Did you see a future?” she asked me. “Would you introduce him to me for example?” she queried.
I didn’t have a response.
I hadn’t asked myself the question.
In fact worse, I would use my time focusing on whether he was interested in me by furiously texting friends about to write to him, calling mates looking for their take on what he was thinking / doing / eating. I discovered that my obsession with what he was thinking was in fact, me avoiding the work I had to do on myself! It wasn’t just the fact I hadn’t asked myself the question of whether there was a future but the problem lay in the fact that I also didn’t know the answer.
In the end, I knew I had to look at myself and work a few things out within, so I said goodbye to Simon and started to think about the things that felt good to me. I had to figure out what I wanted to figure out if Simon or whoever was it. Pretty quickly, I started to change the way I approached dating.
The first change was to check in and ask myself what my take on the situation was - no matter what.
Questions like - what is my gut feel on this person and does it work with my lists of needs right now?
And if I didn’t know - I took this as a sign I wasn’t ready to be with someone anyway. How can you check in with yourself on your needs, if you haven’t spent the time figuring them out? Not to mention, not knowing whether you want to be with somebody is just as much information as knowing you want to be there.
I have found this to also work with my mates. Which is why this week I have decided to stop walking with Emily. Em is lovely, but I seem to offer more to her than she does to me. It isn’t personal. And the only way I know this is because I have a sense of what I offer. You need a sense of what you are offer and what you are after!
Enquire about yourself. Be curious the way you are with the people you are dating. Put the spotlight back on yourself. If you have already downloaded the SP workshop - here is a friendly reminder to USE IT. Don’t figure out what you want and then ignore it for someone that comes along and gives you attention.
If you haven’t The Single Pringle Values Workshop was built for this reason. I take you through the steps to get to know what it is you are after and teach you how to STICK TO IT. It helps you get a good foundation of who you are and what you want assisting you to know when to move forward with someone and activates the strength you need to walk away.
Stay focused. Good stuff doesn't just show up on your doorstep.
You gotta put in a little.