Dating in your Twenties... Party or Settle Down?
How is everyone?
This week I promised you a Q&A, and that’s precisely what I shall deliver! I am going to focus on one question so I can delve in deep.
First, I wanted to share with you where I am at today. I had a realisation this afternoon about how incredibly affected I am by my cycle! I have a point to this I promise. That’s my period cycle for those of you who thought I meant Soul Cycle. No. Menstruation. I am tracking my moods day by day and looking back on trends across the months. This is so I can see when I am killing it, clear and confident (ovulation time) or when I seem to hit a wall - which for me is around Day Ten. (You start counting from the first day of your period as Day One) I guess the point of sharing this is that perhaps before you knock yourself down for being too emotional about being on your own last Friday night or being sulky to your boss because the night before you went to a dinner with couple’s only. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and understand our bodies are doing many different things across the month and it could truly be hormonal and a certain time in your cycle. Because TRUST me - it is so clear that on certain days of the month I am in fine form and then others I am not.
We very quickly jump to the thing in our life that we wish would be different as the primary source of all of our grief and pain (for me right now it’s work that is shaky for you it might be being single), but sometimes you may not be in a fab spot hormonally or otherwise.
Food for thought.
Before we get to this week’s question, I want to remind you of the Autumn coaching I am doing starting this week!! We are fully closed for this run but perhaps you are ready to sign up for the Winter session? Details below this blog!
Question -
Hey! I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on dating in your early 20s when you haven’t really had too many proper relationships. I consume a lot of media about women a few years/ lessons ahead of me and find I’m maybe putting too high expectations on relationships when I should probably just be in a period of learning.. but instead I bow out too early because I feel like the guys I see aren’t even beginning to think about personal growth.. don’t know if you have any wisdom on early 20s dating or if you’d be interested in delving in. Anyway thank you I love your presence!
-SM
Answer -
Hey SM,
Dating in your twenties is an interesting concept. On the one hand many meet the love’s of their life and lock that shit down, and another is you could bounce around like a Ping Pong table for a full decade. (They have portable Ping Tables now, you know? You can put a net on a regular kitchen table and badda bing!!)
Back on track June.
Many of us are a bit stuck when it comes to dating in our twenties. We are encouraged to pair up from a very young age, and we see this as an achievement from as early as Primary School. But then we are told to work on ourselves and enjoy being young!
“Don’t tie yourself down”.
So which one is it?
I talk to you SM because I sense you are asking yourself why you haven’t found someone. Even if it’s not a forever person, where is a person worthy to learn from? And it’s a fair question. There was a girl I went to school with, let’s call her Sarah. She was gagging for a family and a boyfriend from a very young age. (Not saying this is you) It just never happened for her. No one ever stuck. She didn’t have sex until much later than many of us, and I found myself drifting from her in my late twenties but stayed so interested in her romantic status on FB because I knew deep down she always yearned to be with someone, yet there was no one to be seen. I asked her online today, once I realised I would write about this topic, why she thinks it took her a while to find her groove when it comes to relationships. (She went on to meet a man at 34 without dating anyone long term beforehand). She told me she thinks she wasn’t supposed to do the couple/relationship thing in her twenties. She doesn’t know why. It just wasn’t her path.
I believe if you, like Sarah, SM can start to throw the timeline idea up in the air a little you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself earlier than some of us. For many of us jumping into a relationship, or being presented with options, lead us to avoid a lot of the work we ultimately end up doing. It certainly did for me.
The other aspect of this to consider, which is terrifying stuff, is that you might not meet someone in the timeline you hope. And that is something that as a single person I found incredibly hard to accept.
I was in my early thirties, and the thought that perhaps the timeline of my plans may not be the timeline of the universe started to make me feel sick. It made me question whether there was a person for me? I was also confused. As a person who did a lot of self-work, I felt I could manifest my wildest dreams, being incredibly specific on all the finer details. I had done so with my career. So how is this not in my control? The answer to this is that it is, but you must surrender the timeline.
Sarah said to me, that once she stopped controlling the process and trusting that her path may look different to her friends that were married or in long term relationships, things started to get easier. She clarified that it wasn’t a matter of doubting whether she met someone, but perhaps when and how was something she would never know. She didn’t say it in these terms, but from what I understood it was when she surrendered the timeline that things started to change for her.
None of the above means you lose hope or a sense of knowing what you want will come to you. How it does however, my friend, is something you must learn to let go of. Often the lesson you are set to learn before getting what you want is the hardest, but once you grab the lesson by the balls and learn the shit out of it - soon after - your desires start to appear.
Concentrate on getting specific. Even if imagining your ideal partner is a daydream, or do my Values Workshop. The workshop will help you get an idea of what you want and then you can let go of questioning whether you are too picky or expecting too much. (Chances are you aren’t - just perhaps impatient) The next step is to let go of the timeline and concentrate on other parts of your life. There is nothing about this sentence that is easy, effortless or no work.
It’s all self work. But this is formula to get what you want.
Be specific. Trust even when it’s hard. Wait.
Is it arrogant to wish I had myself to learn from when I was in this place?
Haha!
Until next week you gracious, self-working legends.
Your friend,
Stacey
