Find love in the place you aren't looking
I have started to think about taking some risks recently and this has raised anxiety within me. It’s funny because once anxiety sets in we lose focus of what the exciting prospects originally were. Our head gets in the way and encourages us to forget about all of the good that could come from the risks. This week’s newsletter is about focusing on the good we have and staying focused on the bigger goal. Not easy. I am here with you through every step of the way.
I have a story for you. It’s about my friend Mel and her recent breakup. Mel has been in a relationship for many years, she is in her early thirties and ready to start a family. The dude that Mel has been with for a while is younger and wasn’t interested in talking babies early on. But towards the end of their relationship, things started to become very clear that he never wanted to talk about babies and in fact, Mel discovered the cruel reality that you can love someone but may not always want the same things. Timing plays a big part in happy stable relationships.
Breaks ups aren’t fun…
but important to remember they happen because something wasn’t right. It’s very easy through the early stages of a breakup to forget about the reasons we broke up in the first place and much easier to focus on the good we no longer have. Or what you think you no longer have. I am here to tell you about how you do have a lot of what you are craving, it just may be being delivered for you from different people. In order to find it through this time, we need to start to look for it in places we may not have considered.
Back to my Mel. Mel joined me and three other pals one night after being at a work event she had previously committed to go to with Mr X. Did I think she ought to hang in a social setting with Mr X? Hell no. Mel joined us - myself, a friend, my Husband Ben and another couple and she was sad. She wanted the day with him to be different. She wanted him to be with her at this BBQ. She wanted all the things she couldn’t have.
Earlier that day I had asked Mel to join a group of us for a beer up the street hoping she would change her mind about going to the work event. She wouldn’t have it. I then told her to join after a few hours at BBQ I was having, desperately trying to get her to seperate her from Mr X. We wanted to care for her. She did later join but she had already decided the gathering wasn’t for her. The crew I was in were in fine form. Everyone was up! The sun was out for the first time in a while and my friends were interested in her, how she was travelling post break up and ensuring that she enjoyed herself after a few months of hell. Yet, she couldn’t see it. Her anxiety around what she didn’t have completely overshadowed the great vibe, and loving friends that sat right in front of her. It was hard to see her continue to get up and answer her phone every half an hour or so, argue with Mr X before heading home in an upset flurry only an hour after arriving.
She texted me later confessing that she felt it was hard to sit with couples and that she missed Mr X. I texted back saying I understood but I learnt a big lesson when I was on my own that I shared with her and that I want to share with you today. It’s important to follow the love, wherever it comes from in this time. I mean real genuine love. Not dance floor pash love and attention. I mean love from Grandma when you take her to the movies or visit her for a cup of tea. I don’t mean a hookup or a booty call replacing your ex. I mean friends who are happy to stay in and watch a movie and cook you dinner to make you feel better. I wrote back to her
“I get it. Couple time can be hard early on. But there is love here. There was love there available for you tonight. You ignored it because it isn’t the exact love you are craving. We can’t give you that, but we can give you this kind. Take it Mel”.
It is so important to not to ignore the love around you and remind yourself that just because it's not coming from the exact place you want it to be coming from doesn’t mean it isn’t great. I realised when I was single that hanging out with my two married best mates on a Saturday night in their lounge room was going to lead me to the romantic love I craved quicker than I would out drunk on the prowl. I realised choosing love for myself was most important and that I had to be the one to choose. Comfort didn’t have to come from romantic prospects all the time. Sure - there is plenty of time to party and flirt and have casual sex if you are keen, but there are other ways to receive intimacy that don’t involve that stuff.
Mel went home and found Mr X that night and felt more lonely than she would have to stay with a couple of couples. There isn’t necessarily going to be a pain-free option going through a breakup, but if we stay focused on the bigger picture and choose to focus on what is healthy for us - we will win.
You will win. Follow what feels comfy, healthy - find the place you feel truly cared for. That energy will attract something similar in to your life.